“I admit, it’s not great timing for a bankruptcy,” said Donald Trump. “But I owe it to my company to do what’s right. And let me remind you it’s the company going through this, not me personally.”

Former President Bill Clinton is in hot water because of visiting four different primary polling stations in Massachusetts, but he swears he wasn’t there to influence voters but rather “pick up chicks.”

The whistleblower who exposed countless secret American spying programs against people worldwide, Edward Snowden, said he would consider traveling back home to the United States if he would receive a “fair” trial. The American government responded, “Edward Snowden will receive a ‘fair’ no jury military trial in a secret location. What else would be fair to a traitor?”

The powerful governments of China and cash-strapped government of Mexico have entered into an agreement for what is thought to be the largest construction project in Mexican history.

A disco ball and karaoke machine were the highlights of the Trump University 10 Year Reunion party thrown in the basement of the Livingston, New Jersey home of Mrs. Sheila Pressman, the mother of the University’s class of 2006 Valedictorian Mark Pressman.

After years of missing out on Hollywood’s top prize, Leonardo DiCaprio finally won the Oscar for Best Actor for his role in The Relevant. Later that evening and a few parties later, the Oscar was stolen at singers Chris Brown’s after-party.

Democratic Presidential Candidate Hillary Clinton said she would nominate Barack Obama to the Supreme Court if President. “Obama is very qualified. He graduated from Harvard Law School and fully understands the constitution like no one else,” said Clinton. “He would be fair and with many important cases on the horizon, I can’t think of anyone more in touch with the soul of America.” 

Hollywood, CA – With America preparing for Sundays big award show for the actors and actresses they love with dip and Red Carpet scorecards, Hollywood’s drug dealers are preparing for a busy weekend.

A scientific cause for Donald Trump’s domination in the race for the Republican Presidential nomination may have been discovered. In a paper presented this morning at the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) monthly update, it was proposed that many Trump supporters have been exposed to higher than average levels of lead throughout their lifetimes, thus creating the perfect conditions for the rise of a candidate like Trump.

Stephan Curry was visiting a charity event in San Jose and participated in a 3-point challenge game against an 11-year-old kid and lost.

“I’ll do it, folks,” said Obama. “Hide your guns because unless I get a fair Supreme Court nomination hearing, I’m coming to get them.”

In all parking ticket claims, it’s your word against the city. Who do you think wins?

Ben Carson declared “My book tour is nowhere near over” to a group of people at a Las Vegas Barnes and Noble. His most recent book, A More Perfect Union, has been selling well but wishes to increase its sales through his national book tour.

New England Patriots tight end Rob ‘Gronk’ Gronkowski fell off the party cruise ship he was hosting.

After continuing to condemn homosexuality, boxer Manny Pacquiao was caught with a ‘sex slave donkey’ in his Las Vegas penthouse.  

Former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin told reporters the FBI should charge Steve Jobs with treason if he doesn’t unlock the San Bernardino shooter’s iPhone.

The Obama’s attended the opening of a new Planned Parenthood facility in the North-East corner of New Mexico Saturday, during Supreme Justice’s Antonin Scalia’s funeral.

Hip-hop artist Kanye West will be appearing on an upcoming special episode of Shark Tank to pitch the sharks his new ideas for his fashion brand and other ideas under the Yeezus brand.

After a Federal Judge mandated Apple unlock the San Bernardino shooter’s iPhone, they accidently found the passcode. It was 6969.

After careful consideration, President Barack Obama had decided to go with America’s most popular and watched judge as his Supreme Court nomination. Judge Judy has been chosen to replace the recently deceased Antonin Scalia to America’s highest court.