UFC Woman’s Champion Holly Holm has tested positive for methyl-p-hydroxybenzoate in a recent drug test.

Yesterday in Washington D.C, the ‘bust’ of former Vice President Dick Cheney was unveiled at the Capitol Building among dozens of his colleagues in attendance from his many years in politics including President George W. Bush.

In the wake of America’s most recent mass shooting in Southern California, France has issued a travel ban to the United States out of fear of violence.

With 14 killed and over 17 wounded at a San Bernardino Social Workers office, the National Rifle Association (NRA) calls for looser gun restrictions. “The only way to stop gun violence is with more gun… violence,” said NRA member Clint Eastwood.

After initially asking for $5 million to take part in the CNN Republican debate on December 15th, the business mogul is now demanding $20 million plus $1 million for every day that passes without the deal in place. Failure to pay Trump now would mean a total payment of $35 million by debate day.

With the Los Angeles Lakers season basically over before the All-Star break, point guard Kobe Bryant is demanding ownership trade him to the undefeated 19-0 Golden State Warriors.

The tragedy over the weekend when religious nut Robert Dear shot up a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs leaving three dead and 9 wounded boosted his name among Republican Presidential candidates by 7 points.

Laquan McDonald was shot 16 times by Chicago Police Officer Jason Van Dyke in 2012 after the kid walked away from police while brandishing a 3-inch knife. Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel admits to giving the direct order for the execution.

Three bystanders and a Secret Service agent were injured yesterday afternoon by fur ball like projectiles caused by Donald Trump’s hairpiece. Witness on the ground at a Trump outdoor rally in Sarasota, Florida report that the event had been uneventful until moments after Trump concluded his speech and was led by Secret Service agents to his waiting helicopter.

President Barack Obama gave a White House address concerning the protests in Chicago that locked down Michigan Ave on the biggest shopping day of the year.

A promising shopping day full of sales and deals turned violent at a Wausau, Wisconsin Bass Pro Shop when alcohol-fueled shoppers turned to rioting.

After several off-field incidents, the Los Angeles Dodgers have traded 24-year-old outfielder Yasiel Puig to the Miami Marlins for 30 water coolers. The trade was mostly to get rid of his presence from the Dodger locker room where several players didn’t like him. No team was willing to trade players for the often hurt but talented Cuban player, but Miami offered to pick up the rest of his $34 million contract in exchange for the water coolers.

In a stunning political move, Donald Trump decided to keep Tweet to himself for the first time in his campaign.

Chicago – Doris McCarthy was savagely beaten to death by a Malibu Barbie Playhouse after she had bought the last unit at a Chicagoland Toys “R” Us Black Friday sale. The gruesome incident occurred in the parking lot after Jessica Holland had threatened McCarthy inside the store when she grabbed the last Playhouse off the shelf.

Green Bay, WI – Former Packers quarterback Brett Favre threw 3 interceptions during his number retirement ceremony Thanksgiving evening against the Chicago Bears.

In a bizarre series of tweets, ISIS (Islamic State) wished America a happy Thanksgiving. The tweet has since been removed and claims the account was hacked by Anonymous. 

Donald Trump’s controversial plan to build a wall along the Canadian border has been given more detail by the Republican’s campaign. To pay for the 5,525 mile wall, gambling slot machines will be built in on the Canadian side. This will allow for Canadians to eventually pay for the wall. 

Ronda Rousey stopped a bank robbery this afternoon in Riverside, California. The UFC fighter was on the way to her parents house for Thanksgiving when she stopped by a Chase Bank to make a deposit when three armed robbers in black ski masks stormed inside.

Irving, Texas – After Ahmed Mohamed and his family sued the City of Irvine and its school district for $15 million, the Mayor’s lawyers have countered with 15 million ‘doll hairs’ as a settlement.

After actor Shia LaBeouf had streamed himself watching his movies for 72 straight hours online, he offered refunds for several of his movies through a website that lasted for two weeks. Today the former Nickelodeon star announced he will refund nearly $10 million in ticket sales to viewers of his movies.