In an announcement last week, a spokesperson for ISIS told the world they will officially be switching from Toyota to Honda.
“Look, Toyota is great. We’ve relied on them for years, and are deeply grateful for their unconditional support. I mean, they literally have a car called the ‘Toyota ISIS.’ But Honda has a better deal on four-year warranties, and I prefer the way their vehicles handle on these bumpy terrains.
“It’s nothing against Toyota; it’s a win-win situation for our mode of transportation that is vital to our success. We also care about global warming and the Hondas are more environmentally friendly. “
The odd connection of ISIS and Toyota was noticed early in the years of the terrorist group’s conception. Analysts are still unsure why they chose to have such tenacious brand loyalty, and CNN correspondent Anderson Cooper is even more puzzled by what inspired them to change.
“We all know Honda makes quality cars. The Civic is a modern day masterpiece. But Toyota has such great gas mileage, and that should be a primary concern with ISIS. The last thing they want is to run out of fuel and be stranded. I mean, imagine if they’re trying to kidnap a bunch of schoolchildren and their new Hondas don’t cut it. Wouldn’t they look silly, then?”
While Honda has declined to speak on the matter, Toyota CEO Akio Toyoda made an impassioned statement. It seemed to disown ISIS while simultaneously resenting its switch from the company.
“Let me start by saying ISIS is disgraceful. We are ashamed that they chose strictly to use our cars, although it does make sense given what fine machines they are. That being said, why the sudden change? Honestly, what’s so great about Honda? Their Accord looks like a shoe!.”
“They have helped the enemy before. They helped fight against the Americans during the Second World War.”
ISIS’s commitment to their warped cause is strong as ever, as strong as their commitment to quality Japanese automobiles. They started a new slogan, ‘Honda Strong.’”
