Doctors at the University of Minnesota Medical Center announced that at approximately 9:55 p.m. Central Standard Time, God was certified dead.
Following the Republican debate in Texas, God took his shotgun and a bottle of whiskey to his house’s shed and shot himself in the chest.
Police officers on the scene said they found a suicide note:
I can’t take it anymore. It’s too much. I’ve tried over and over again but now you’re on your own, humans.
Tired of your stupid prayers. I don’t care about your football games or lottery tickets.
What I do care about is people using my name for their gain without my permission. Anyone who tells you I support them is a big fat liar.
I gave a list of commandments and you changed them for your political will. And then you pick and choose which ones to follow.
You can’t stop killing each other. You can’t stop cheating each other. You can’t stop lying and stealing from each other. I’m totally over it.
Enough is enough.
You can mostly blame the fact that I had to watch Ted Cruz’s face for almost an hour. How dare you!
-God
P.S. I created cancer just to fuck with you all.
