Three bystanders and a Secret Service agent were injured yesterday afternoon by fur ball like projectiles caused by Donald Trump’s hairpiece. Witness on the ground at a Trump outdoor rally in Sarasota, Florida report that the event had been uneventful until moments after Trump concluded his speech and was led by Secret Service agents to his waiting helicopter.
“I was walking at the head of the security perimeter and gave the “thumbs up” to the pilot to start the rotors of Trump 1, “said Agent Mark Lewis. “It looks way cooler if everyone is walking to the ‘copter with their heads down, shielding their faces from the debris being churned up, as the grass goes flat under their feet.
“And Mr. Trump really, really likes playing “last ‘copter out of ‘Nam‘ It makes him feel like he really was there, instead of filling out deferment papers in New York.”
“The facts are sketchy after this point, but we do know that Mr. Trump’s hair started to flap slowly in the stiff breeze and then became airborne, hitting the tail rotors, causing hair shrapnel to fly everywhere. “
NASA engineer Eric Bratton speculated on the causes on CNN. “There are two major possibilities. First, the pilot who was flying the helicopter was not one of the ones regularly used by the campaign, so he may have applied too much power at the wrong time, causing an extreme wind vortex which unhinged Mr. Trump’s hair. “
“The second and most likely situation is that Mr. Trump ran out of the special NASA adhesive that we give to our shuttle crews to make windshield repairs in space. It’s not advised to be used in direct contact with skin, which could explain a lot of what has been coming out of Mr. Trump’s mouth during the campaign.”
Trump spokeswoman April Brown read from a prepared statement regarding the incident. “Contrary to rumors spread by the mean and pathological press, Mr. Trump has always had and still has his own magnificent head of hair. Nothing to see here, folks.”
The four victims were treated for hair inhalation at an area hospital and released. Trump’s hairpiece could not be reached for comment.
