Ronda Rousey Beats Up 5 Muggers In LA Parking Lot

Ronda Rousey 2After a night out in Downtown Los Angeles, UFC fighter Ronda Rousey was confronted by a group of five muggers in a parking lot. She proceeded to put two of them in the hospital, and all five were arrested and charged with attempted robbery and assault with deadly force.

Rousey was leaving downtown restaurant Perch at 11 pm and walking to her car when five men surrounded her in a dark parking lot and attempted to rob her of her purse and car.

“They yelled to hand over my purse and keys or they’d kill and rape me. That’s when I got super pissed off and instantly went into my fighting stance,” Rousey told the Los Angeles Times. “I was already in a bad mood and they had no idea what type of badass chick they were dealing with.”

In the nightmare scenario, Rousey went into action. “The first guy came at me with a punch which I blocked and countered with a left hook to the nose. The second guy drew a knife and I kicked it out of his hand causing it to hit the third mugger in the neck. With another two quick punches, I subdued the other guys. They were crappy, crappy fighters.

“I could have beat them blindfolded, hand tied behind my back, and not even broke a sweat.”

The mugger hit with the knife and the first attacker were taken to the University of Southern California Medical Hospital and treated for their injuries before being taken to jail. The other three muggers were treated at the scene of the crime and taken directly to the LA County Jail. They were booked without bond and will be presented before a Judge Friday.

Officer Tom Hernandez wrote in his report, provided to the LA Times saying, “The victim, Rousey, had placed all five muggers in a pile, sitting on them while waiting for the police to arrive. She told her story and went home at 12:30 am. She fully cooperated with the officers and is expected to finish up her statement tomorrow.”

Hernandez also noted the LAPD had been looking for these five guys for several weeks after a string of robberies and muggings around the downtown area. “We are grateful for Ronda apprehending these five scumbags. She will receive the Los Angles Police Department Civilian Medal of Honor. She is a true hero.”

Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti apologized for the situation Ronda had to endure but commended her ability to defend herself against five men without leaving a scratch on her. “She really kicked some ass. Gotham has Batman and LA has Rousey.

“Having lived in Hollywood, trust me, she could beat up every actor who ever played Batman.

“The city of Los Angeles thanks her and I think a Star on the Walk of Fame is in her near future.”

Rousey was able to put a positive spin on the potentially terrible situation. “I wasn’t feeling great about myself nor how my face looked from the title fight on Saturday.

“This made me feel better about my loss, and after what I did to their faces, mine doesn’t look nearly as bad in comparison.

“I’m just happy these five punks are behind bars where they can’t hurt anyone else. They better think twice before trying to assault a woman ever again because I’ll be watching.”

  • Ken_Cooper

    Sweeeeet…..I wish ALL muggers and criminals would get this treatment! : D

  • SledHead

    Fortunately for her she wasnt in Canada where they would have thrown her in jail and given all the muggers a hug and said they were sorry they were beat up by a girl.

  • Jdawg Laurence

    SatireTribune. People thinking this story is real. It’s in the name…

    Wow there are a lot of dumb people these days.

    • Margaret Khan

      There are a lot of satire articles out there. I totally believed it. She should still do self defense videos. She would take Jane Fonda’s place

  • MSDA

    What’s the point of these fake articles? Satire should be funny. This is just stupid. Get some new writers.

    • Canuck

      The Onion it ain’t…

    • Rand0m411

      Your opinion matters, post it on the internets…

      • MSDA

        Thanks tips! Did you write this POS? Sorry the comment offended you. Keep trying, you’ll get there one day!

        • Johnny Wilson

          Pretty funny to me. And satire by definition doesn’t have to be funny.

          • DagGummit

            Of course, whether this actually qualifies as actual satire or not is a legit questions regardless of the humor element. Usually, a reader can pinpoint the target of ridicule in satire. In this, not so much.

            And then there’s the element of the faux news actually needing the word “satire” (or an extremely close approximation, rather) to show how it’s intended to be satire. As a below commenter stated, it’s clearly not The Onion.

    • 599eXseX

      because they gotta build up her reputation somehow after her embarrassing loss to holly holm

  • Mike Buckley

    would she sit on me too?

  • Margaret Khan

    Forget Jane Fonda, Ronda Rousey could make millions on self defense videos for women. She was great in Expendables 4.

  • Tony

    rhonda would get beat up by just 3 muggers forget 5 what she gon do? give armbars to 3 of them at the same time?

  • Crissaegrim

    The quotes from Rousey seem almost plausible though. I read it and believed it. This didn’t strike me as hilarious… or impossible